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Wow, four days and I drop the whole thing. I think perhaps I’ll start to categorize this as a more casual thing for myself. It is still quite important to me to learn how to appreciate myself, but maybe the legalization of the task made it a chore. It’s no good to me if I’ve little to no desire to do it.

In any case, some very good things have been happening to me! Well, really only one, but it’s a very big good thing to me. I’ve finally gotten a job! As of July 23rd, I am a Server at a retirement home here in the area called “The Manor”. It’s a fairly swanky residence, I must say! Most of the residents are very kind and patient, many are funny, and few (though there are some) are quite difficult and impatient. I’ve never had a waitressing job, so I’m not terribly terrific at it yet, but I do my best, and the majority of the residents appreciate the efforts for what they are. Sunday I was told by a new resident that I am “accommodating”.

I’ve thought long and hard about that comment. If I may for a second go all “logophile” for a moment, I dug up the definition of the word. The first definition actually is all to do with physical space; “provide lodging or sufficient space for”. The example is something to do with a cabin. The second definition provided reads; “fits in with the needs or wishes of”. It sounds a lot more like a definition of myself, as I’ve always been somewhat of a chameleon, changing myself to fit into the setting. It’s not a perfectly precise art on my part, but there are some parts of me that just seem to have no concrete foundation. They’re simply putty, waiting to be molded and conformed into whatever is needed.

I was discussing all of this with a friend of mine, and told her about some childhood tendencies of mine. When I was very small, I decided that when I grew up I wanted to be a waitress. I had, for a small period of time, wanted to be a vet, but I realized within a few minutes that they sometimes had to kill animals, and that waitress was much safer. I think really I just wanted to be able to balance large trays of foodstuffs over my head; I spent a lot of time practicing this art with our dishes at home while I set the table. Later, in fifth grade, our class hosted a live museum type thing. Our theme was “The Medieval Period”. We had a king, a queen, some jousting knights, but I didn’t want to do any of those things. I begged and pleaded with my teacher to allow me to be a servant-girl. I spent most of the night freezing in place with a tray of foodstuffs over my head (see what I mean?).

My friend pointed out to me that while the stories made her laugh a bit, she felt my childhood desires pointed more towards a desire to help others than some sort of sick fascination with giving up my own wants and needs. That brings me back around to the first definition of “accommodating” – the one about space. I’d like to think that my heart is what the woman who gave me that compliment was talking about. That my heart has sufficient space for those around me, that it can hold them and keep them safe at least in there. It hasn’t always been true, but I feel like it is the direction it has been heading for quite some time.

So yes. I am very pleased to be thought of as accommodating.

In other news, in accordance with two of my personal goals set, today I decided to spend some time exalting in my musical talents. Some months ago, my roommate showed me three chords on the guitar, and I’ve been learning on my own ever since. I’ve got calluses and everything! Tonight I found a song by a great band called City and Colour. I practiced it a bit, and since I had my computer with me, decided to film the nonsense. It took several tries for various technical and physical reasons, but I finally got a video with sound uploaded. Instead of a picture, I’m posting a video tonight.

Body in a Box cover thing. from Samantha K on Vimeo.

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I would have to call day three a resounding success.

Woke up semi-early; as in it was still cool outside so it counts as early. Made a giant pot of coffee and some frozen waffles, had a shower, and then treated myself to lazing in bed listening to the new Celtic Thunder album and playing solitaire. No make-up, no figuring out an outfit. Bliss.

A little later, my friends took two of their kids on a bike ride while I stayed with their girls, and I was nice to all of us by introducing the gals to Benny and Joon (you try listening to 500 Miles 10 times in a day and not wanting to watch that). It was fantastic! They loved it, I loved it, lots of sitting and cuddling and girly “aww”ing.

At about 3:00, Raechel and I headed over to her mom’s to watch the DVD that accompanied the new CD. That’s something every woman should treat herself to. Hello, chest!

While there, I got a call from my new job to set up training for next week. I’m excited and sick all at once, haha.

end of a great make-up-less day

end of a great make-up-less day

Good night, internet.

Muse = 3

Muse = <3

Today I decided to do something simple and paint my nails. I have never quite outgrown my fondness for black glossy nails. Really, I haven’t outgrown my love for black glossy ANYTHING.

Today feels longer than it has been. I’ve only done a few things, but they all felt terribly mundane. I first went over to the friendly drug screening lab to have my TB test “read”. This involved the woman glancing at my arm from across the test and declaring me clear. Small victories and all that! From there it was down to the local Health Department to sign up for a food handler’s card class. I am quite sure I have never looked like such a total idiot! I had no idea which of their many doors to use, or whom of their several front desk attendants to speak with. I finally just picked one, who first asked me if I was there for a wig. I wasn’t. She sent me to another desk, who sent me up the stairs and to my right, where I finally got an appointment to go learn all about food. In a week. Sad, since I can’t start my new job until I have that card, but that’ll be a lesson for future things. I’ve had far more confusing office experiences in my life, but I don’t think I’ve ever had somebody assume I was in a place for a wig! My eyebrows must look fake, hahaha.

At this point, my car was overheating because it eats coolant. Seriously. I never find puddles underneath it, there’s no trail left behind, I simply put the coolant in and it goes… away. So off to the nearest shopping establishment I went and coolanted up. While I was there I thought I’d look for some black pants. It’s part of my soon-to-be work uniform, so I figure I should have more than one pair. I only found one semi-decent pair, and it was too big (hallelujah!) and there wasn’t a size down in sight, so I discarded the idea. I’ve got time after all.

Now here I sit back in my room, relaxing, listening to Muse at full volume, gazing at my nails, and contemplating making a nice big mug of white Chai tea. I think I’ll do just that.

Todays photo is a little artsy fartsy, just because I can.

Today's photo is a little artsy fartsy, just because I can.

ETA: Treated myself to licking the bowl post brownie batter. I thought it was worthy of note. <3

Wow, pushing it on the “Today” thing here, but here it goes.

I have to say, I didn’t really know what to do with myself today. I imagine it will take me some time to get into this properly. The first thing I did was cheap, but I decided to use it anyway. I let myself sleep an hour and a half later and didn’t feel guilty about it when I woke up. “Big deal,” you may say, and I might agree mostly. I sleep late all the freaking time. I could win the olympics in long-distance snoozing. However, I do usually wake up and feel horrendously guilty and oddly dirty somehow. Overindulgent, lazy, all of these things. Immediately my mind starts to race coming up with plausible excuses I can tell those around me (who couldn’t really care less). Why? Why why why do I insist on taking something that’s not effecting anything directly and turn it into a direct attack on myself?

Today I needed extra sleep. I allowed myself that. I woke up, made coffee, had a shower, and felt great all day! I didn’t nearly fall asleep at church like I usually do having dragged myself out of bed when I know I should, which in and of itself is probably worth missing the first lesson. The day went on and I put it out of my head.

Cheap? Maybe. Simple? Definitely.

But I’m counting it in the “win” column anyway.

As per my own requirements, a shot of myself. The end of a long day after running in through a storm.

As per my own requirements, a shot of myself. The end of a long day after running in through a storm.

Starting today (later today. when I wake up and today really becomes TODAY) I am embarking on a quest for self-love and appreciation. Every day I will attempt to:

  • Do something nice for myself
  • Appreciate something about myself with wild abandon
  • Take a picture of myself

At least one if not all (that’s the ideal) of these items are to be accomplished before the day is out, and I will post about my experiences with it here, as well as the shameless pictures. The ultimate goal is to be able to state truthfully that I am happy with myself; pure and simple. Not through drastic modifications of myself or fancy therapy, but by taking the time each day to realize that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Today is a fresh start. Wish me luck!